I miss this.
Talking about utter nonsense and a life with Jesus.
(Two separate catergories)
I should be studying.
I have a 1,800 word assessment due by 5pm tomorrow. It's currently 9:15pm.
You may or may not have noticed, but I haven't submitted a blog in a few months. I've felt a little discouraged in my walk with Jesus. I've made idols. Messed up. Become slave to the toys and materialistic jargon of the world. All the while I've been a good little church boy. Where did my passion escape to? I ask myself at various stages of life, every now and then, "I am I sure I have a real, rock-solid relationship with Jesus?" I am completely aware of what's going on, yet I do nothing about it. It's like my spirit is the audience in the downfall of my faith. Sounds like strong words doesn't it? They are. Nevertheless, it is true. I've been living for the desires of my flesh. Where am I with Jesus? I don't know. I am lost on an island of confusion and regret. Help me, Jesus. I will conquer.
I feel like I'm adjourning to the wide path, or, I've already stepped on it.
I know what happened too. I was worried about how a person, whom I hardly know, thought about me and my walk with Jesus. I was trying to make them impressed, make them like what they saw. From there my motives changed. My identity was in who they called me. I still don't know what they think. I am glad.
I didn't ask them about it. How cool and Christianly does that sound? Not very. Now, I'm stuck in this arena of dismay, where there is a battle between me and my ego.
I thought I had a REAL relationship with Christ? I did. I do still.
I'm stuck in this arena of laziness and self deceitment. Procrastination. Procrastinating my own relationship with God? I never used to be like this. Like I said in my testimony. I reached out to God with EV-ERY-THING. Not just a tiny portion of my heart, but with all of it. I was in need. Am I not anymore? Am I over God? Over meaning? Over purpose? Have I found my foundation, my identity in what the world calls me? I used to be so much smarter! I knew abundantly more about scripture when I was younger. It brings me to tears knowing that I've forgotten (more likely confused) some of the key aspects of God's character.
I'm now a slave. To the internet. To technology, period. If it comes to it, I will have to be rid of my laptop.
I've heard it said, "The change starts now." I've seen people, some of my own brothers and sisters in Christ become annoyed, and even frustrated at that line. "The change has already started!" They tell themselves bluntly, over and over. They are confused. If only the understood.
That should be a line that we should say and commit to more often. Are we satisfied with who we are? More importantly, are we pleasing God? Are we settling for who we are now? Building foundation and fort in a place that was meant for temporary accommodation?
Go further, I ask. No, I PLEAD. Go further, don't listen to that voice in your head telling you you're pathetic and you should stop. I listened. That was a bad choice. People say to people like me, "walk the talk", I say, "don't do what I did." It will take time.
I sometimes settle for okay. It disappoints me that I do. I weep at my own actions to the moon, then when the sun rises, I'm exactly the person I hate.
I could sound that I'm being hard on myself. But frankly, I'm just not satisfied. Brothers and sisters in Christ, journey further, jump higher, run faster.
I understand now, "The change starts here", it does. For me. And for you? I don't know. It all starts with prayer. But I can't do this on my own.
Challenge your reasoning.
Talk about what nobody else wants to talk about. Be the ice-breaker.
There is so much on my mind right now.
If you're reading this, I probably love you. Even if I hardly know you. I do. I can't help it, sorry.
I just had a fantastic talk with my family. Unless, you're unaware, I do not get along well with them. It wasn't the "Oh, I love you forever" type of talk, but the "Wake up, and get your butt into gear" type.
It was very enlightening. I am lazy. I don't do much around the house.
I hate being lazy. It hurts to see myself being lazy.
The change starts here. Through the strength and determination that Christ gives me. Not myself.
I must cry my heart out, seek forgiveness, desire change and transformation, long for God's calling.
"Like the prospector finding fulfillment in fool's gold, the sinner finds fulfillment in the desires of their flesh."
God bless you. I pray you understand me, and I pray you can overcome the barriers stopping you from connecting with Christ.
If you have anything that you'd like to say; critique, advice, thanks whatever.
Please comment.
